As parents we hate to see our child sad when their expectations or hopes are not realized. This disappointment can start early on and lead to bigger disappointments. Perhaps their friend does not want to sit with them on the bus or they aren’t invited to a friend’s sleepover party. Maybe they didn’t get picked to be on the school newspaper or they didn’t make the jazz band. Maybe they didn't get chosen for a travel sports team or didn’t get voted club president. Perhaps they didn’t get into the college they wanted to or didn’t pass their driving test the first time around. How we teach our children to deal with these situations that cause disappointment is such an important part of helping them grow up. Parents, teachers, and caregivers need to understand the importance of these lessons.
Sometimes parents protect their children too much, not from physical harm, but rather from learning to accept rejection or disappointing situations. Children need to learn how to process disappointments, keep them in perspective, and move on. Mommy and daddy are not helping them when they come running to their rescue all the time, which shields the child from learning how to cope with these situations. If adults don’t allow children to learn this, they will be faced with a high school aged child who can’t deal with bigger rejections and failures. Parents can’t follow their children to college and continue to protect them when things don’t always go their way. A child needs a toolbox filled with coping strategies and we need to help them fill that box as they grow up.
Unfortunately, I have seen more than my share of high school parents being overly involved in overstepping their role trying to provide their child with what they feel is ‘right’ or ‘just’ or ‘fair’. The problem is, at that age, it is the student who needs to be standing up for themselves, learning how to be a self-advocate, and learning how to cope with disappointing situations. Didn’t get the lead role in the play? Didn’t get the solo in the concert? Didn’t get voted captain of the team? Didn’t get an A in the course? Let the student learn how to deal with these situations. Adults should not be the ones taking charge of them.
A student who has dealt with disappointments early on is much more equipped to deal with college roommates, schedule issues, or social situations that come up once they have left home. Having prepared them to deal with how to handle disappointing situations and making decisions to move forward will be to their advantage once they are on their own.
I was fortunate enough to have had a situation early on that taught me this lesson. When my son was in elementary school, I went to the principal with what I thought was an unfair situation involving someone taking my 8 year-old’s yo-yo. The principal was courageous enough to tell me I had to let it go, even if it didn’t seen fair or right. She also told me I needed to back off and let him fight his own battles. She was right and I thank her for teaching me this lesson early on so that I could help him learn to fight his own battles and deal with unfair and disappointing situations as they arose.
It is extremely hard to sit and watch our kids’ disappointment with various things as they grow up. We need to help them fill that toolbox and take control of their lives. In our case, our boys grew up to be extremely well adjusted independent young men. They are able to cope with all sorts of situations. We were always there to listen, talk, and share our suggestions and our love. And we still are. The beautiful thing is that they ask for our suggestions and opinions now that they are adults. That toolbox can always use a little filling.
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