Pick your battles

I am sure that all of you would like to make the world a better place.  If it were up to you, everyone would listen to your opinions, beliefs, and wishes.  After all, even though your opinion is your opinion, you obviously feel it is the right one or you would change it.  However, unless you want to be in a state of conflict your entire life, you have to learn to pick and choose your battles.

Let’s run through a fictitious but possible day.  You start off with a pit stop to your favorite coffee watering hole on the way to work.  Someone ‘steals’ the parking spot you were waiting for.  You want to get out of your car and yell at them that you were waiting for that spot.  You want to secretly key their car after they enter the coffee store.  But you do neither.  You enter the café, in line after them, and let it go.  Of course your mind races through what you want to do, but you take the high road.  This is not the battle you choose to start your day.

Back in your car, you proceed to work.  You are stopped at a traffic light and the guy in the car behind you keeps honking his horn.  You check the light but see it is still red.  You are in a straight OR right turn lane.  You happen to be going straight, so you can’t proceed.  It’s obvious Mr. Impatient is turning right.  You want to get out of your car, walk back, and educate him, but it is not worth the effort because the light will turn green while you are arguing with him.  So you move on.

Yes, these are little scenarios, but ones that you consciously or unconsciously choose to let go.  What about some slightly bigger ones?  Let’s say you don’t agree with something your boss says or does.  Okay, let me rephrase that; you don’t agree with many things your boss says or does.  But if you value your job, you can’t choose all of them to call him on, even though you know you are right.  You need to pick the one that most impacts your life at work, act on that one, and let the rest go.  After all, that’s what co-workers and lunch breaks are for, to release your frustrations to others who understand.

What about family life?  As partners in a relationship, roommates, children, or parents, you could probably spend the better part of your day battling or correcting others.  You want justice to prevail in situations where someone has been wronged. In my opinion, our need to battle others is the strongest when we are protecting our children or loved ones.

I was fortunate enough to learn this lesson early in my parenting life.  I refer to this as the Yo-Yo Story.  Our younger son had a fancy new yo-yo he brought to school when he was in 3^rd grade.  He was in early for school for some reason or another; I really don’t remember that part.  But the kids had to wait in the front hallway before school began.  When he got home from school that day he was upset that an older boy took his yo-yo to try out, and when the bell rang for school to start, the yo-yo was not returned to him. 

 Clearly upset, I reacted.  The next morning, I went in to talk to the principal.  I relayed the yo-yo injustice play-by-play.  New yo-yo, his indoor recess toy gone, older boy, no right to steal it…  She listened politely, and then quietly told me I needed to start to pick and choose my battles.  Those were not her exact words, but she basically told me I needed to back off even though I thought it was unfair that my son lost his new yo-yo by an older boy.  I couldn’t keep up with every injustice an 8 year-old experiences.  Life was not fair and I needed to let the smaller things go.

I knew I was a protective Mama Bear, but I guess I didn’t realize how much so until a professional fellow educator whom I respected, had the guts to give it to me straight.  I am sure it was not easy for her, given that I am a teacher as well as a parent.  But she said what needed to be said, and it was a break through for me.  

(Just an aside…today that would be labeled as ‘bullying’ and the boy would be found and reprimanded…ok, now I will let it go!)

I used her advice as life went on.  Raising two sons provided such joy but it also had its teachable moments.  I referred back to the principal’s advice and made conscious decisions which battles to choose.  Length of hair?  No.  Time of day they did their homework?  No.  Snide remarks made in a heated state?  Hard one, but usually no.  When it came to the important stuff, the boys knew it was important and they would be held to task, even with their ifs, ands, and buts.

During parent teacher conferences, I often share the suggestion for parents to pick and choose their battles.  Perhaps it doesn’t really matter if they don’t read 30 minutes at night anymore if they are getting an A in English.  Maybe it is ok that they do their homework with music playing if they always have it done completely, correctly, and on time.  I agree that their handwriting is atrocious, but if I can read it, then let me be the bad guy who tells them to re-write it.  Parents can battle all day long, but that is not a formula for a good relationship with their child.

So as you go about your day today, why not make a mental note of the battles that you pick and the ones you let go.  Are you picking too many?  Not enough?  The right ones?  Only you can say.  But conflict brings stress and anxiety and we can all use less of that.  Report back if you have any revelations.