The Empty Nest

I first started thinking about the empty nest factor after our first son left for college and our younger son was only a sophomore in high school.  I dreaded the thought and wondered how my husband and I would ever be able to resume our lives without the kids with us.  After 21 years of raising and nurturing, driving and enjoying, we would then wake up daily without kids in the house.  The thought seemed so foreign.

When I heard others talk about an empty nest, they said they loved it.  I wondered how they could.  Didn’t they love their kids?  Were the kids that bad that they were happy they were gone?  I knew neither of these was true, yet I couldn’t imagine enjoying life without them.  An often-heard piece of advice was to keep busy.  I already considered my life very busy with teaching English, which includes lots of papers to grade.  I was also part of many school committees and taught professional development classes.  But to be on the safe side, I thought maybe I should add something else to my docket to assure I didn’t have a single moment’s free time to think about how lonely I would be when the time came.  I admit I probably went a little overboard when I started a non-profit music and arts organization for teens, but this assured the non-existence of any free time.  According to my friends, this would help.   

Our first drop off ~ at McGill University, 2006

Fast forward three years and our time had arrived.  The night before driving our younger son to college found me in an awful mental state.  I remember vividly the message he wrote to himself on the small whiteboard I bought for his desk:  Don’t screw up.  He knew the stakes were high and was ready to tackle the challenge.  The car ride home after the college drop-off the next day was extremely quiet.  Hindsight made me think that crying my eyes out the night before allowed me to ‘get it out of my system’ so I would not cry in front of him, like I did for my first son.  I remember the confused look on his face too, wondering why I was crying.  I didn’t want that to happen again.

Second and final drop off ~ Berklee dorm, 2009 (whiteboard on the left...)

The days and weeks that followed were strange.  There was no child to wake up in the morning, no breakfasts to prepare, no homework questions, and no asking where anyone would be on a Saturday night. This was certainly a new phase of our lives, and I was not loving it.  I missed the boys.  I missed being involved in their lives.  I missed the full houses with their friends and their laughter.  I missed the silliness but I’ll admit I did not miss the headaches. 

The turning point for me was Parent’s Weekend, six weeks later.  We spent a fun weekend at Berklee filled with activities, meeting our son’s friends, and seeing that he was happy and doing well.  I was able to return home content and ok with the fact that he was gone because of his successful transition. After that, my attitude towards empty nest changed.  Slowly I began allowing myself to enjoy the new phase of my life.  I had to laugh at the irony; now that I wanted some free time to enjoy for myself, I had none because I was, and still am, running the non-profit organization in my ‘free’ time.

Thanksgiving followed six weeks later and the nest was full again, not just with our two boys, but with two times two times two.   And in the years that have followed, the nest has alternated between being empty and full.

I am proud of our boys’ independence.  I am pleased that they can manage their college and job workload, cook, do laundry, handle their finances, and have a happy social life.  I am glad that they enjoy coming home and bringing their new friends with them.  I am happy that we raised competent, self-confident young men. So what I have learned is not to be said with the prospect of the empty nest because the nest never really stays empty…they always come back.  It is a normal and natural part of raising children.  Now on to the next phase…whatever that may be. 

2012 ~ During a temporary Full Nest weekend