The Empty Nest

I first started thinking about the empty nest factor after our first son left for college and our younger son was only a sophomore in high school.  I dreaded the thought and wondered how my husband and I would ever be able to resume our lives without the kids with us.  After 21 years of raising and nurturing, driving and enjoying, we would then wake up daily without kids in the house.  The thought seemed so foreign.

When I heard others talk about an empty nest, they said they loved it.  I wondered how they could.  Didn’t they love their kids?  Were the kids that bad that they were happy they were gone?  I knew neither of these was true, yet I couldn’t imagine enjoying life without them.  An often-heard piece of advice was to keep busy.  I already considered my life very busy with teaching English, which includes lots of papers to grade.  I was also part of many school committees and taught professional development classes.  But to be on the safe side, I thought maybe I should add something else to my docket to assure I didn’t have a single moment’s free time to think about how lonely I would be when the time came.  I admit I probably went a little overboard when I started a non-profit music and arts organization for teens, but this assured the non-existence of any free time.  According to my friends, this would help.   

Our first drop off ~ at McGill University, 2006

Fast forward three years and our time had arrived.  The night before driving our younger son to college found me in an awful mental state.  I remember vividly the message he wrote to himself on the small whiteboard I bought for his desk:  Don’t screw up.  He knew the stakes were high and was ready to tackle the challenge.  The car ride home after the college drop-off the next day was extremely quiet.  Hindsight made me think that crying my eyes out the night before allowed me to ‘get it out of my system’ so I would not cry in front of him, like I did for my first son.  I remember the confused look on his face too, wondering why I was crying.  I didn’t want that to happen again.

Second and final drop off ~ Berklee dorm, 2009 (whiteboard on the left...)

The days and weeks that followed were strange.  There was no child to wake up in the morning, no breakfasts to prepare, no homework questions, and no asking where anyone would be on a Saturday night. This was certainly a new phase of our lives, and I was not loving it.  I missed the boys.  I missed being involved in their lives.  I missed the full houses with their friends and their laughter.  I missed the silliness but I’ll admit I did not miss the headaches. 

The turning point for me was Parent’s Weekend, six weeks later.  We spent a fun weekend at Berklee filled with activities, meeting our son’s friends, and seeing that he was happy and doing well.  I was able to return home content and ok with the fact that he was gone because of his successful transition. After that, my attitude towards empty nest changed.  Slowly I began allowing myself to enjoy the new phase of my life.  I had to laugh at the irony; now that I wanted some free time to enjoy for myself, I had none because I was, and still am, running the non-profit organization in my ‘free’ time.

Thanksgiving followed six weeks later and the nest was full again, not just with our two boys, but with two times two times two.   And in the years that have followed, the nest has alternated between being empty and full.

I am proud of our boys’ independence.  I am pleased that they can manage their college and job workload, cook, do laundry, handle their finances, and have a happy social life.  I am glad that they enjoy coming home and bringing their new friends with them.  I am happy that we raised competent, self-confident young men. So what I have learned is not to be said with the prospect of the empty nest because the nest never really stays empty…they always come back.  It is a normal and natural part of raising children.  Now on to the next phase…whatever that may be. 

2012 ~ During a temporary Full Nest weekend

The Dalai Lama's Visit

I woke up on Friday morning to a boatload of rain.  It was not great weather to enjoy my personal day from work.  However, the reason for the day off was a special one.  I was fortunate enough to obtain a few tickets to hear Tenzin Gyatso, His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, the spiritual leader of the Tibetan people, speak at Western Connecticut State University.  Although I have to admit I did not know too much about his teachings, I knew enough to know that when one of the spiritual leaders of the world is ten minutes from your house, you go.

My neighbor picked us up at 8:00 in the morning for the 10:00 event.  We left plenty of time for parking and security, probably too much since we were in our seats before 8:30.  Security was high with metal detectors and several levels of ticket checking.  In the O’Neill Center, a mixed audience of 3,500 soon packed the room. 

At 10:00, seven monks took the stage and began chanted the opening prayer.  Their harmonic voices reverberated deeply in the room.  Wearing burgundy robes and arms crossed, they sang in unison.  I had to close my eyes to attempt to wipe out the distraction of latecomers being seated.  It was with them closed that I was able to begin to feel calmness and quiet, which was a little ironic for the somewhat noisy room.

After opening remarks by the university president, actor and humanitarian Richard Gere introduced the Dalai Lama, which was a very pleasant surprise.  I will admit I was excited to see him in person.  After Gere’s remarks, the president of the university conferred an honorary degree on the Dalai Lama. He was also presented with a WCSU visor, which he donned during most of his talk.  A very educated man with many degrees, he faced the audience afterwards and asked, ‘What do I have a degree in now?’  Everyone laughed.  He stated he was happy to get this new degree without ‘having to do any homework’.  Everyone laughed again.  His sense of humor came out from the start.  He has a beautiful infectious laugh.

Showing off his new degree

The Dalai Lama’s talk on this day was centered on Advice for Daily Life.  He talked about compassion, forgiveness, love, education, happiness, and inner peace.  His fundamental belief is that we are all the same as human beings. He believes that you need to make an effort to develop more compassion for other human beings.  He recognizes that it is not easy and says you have to work hard at it, but it will inevitably increase your own inner strength. 

He spoke a lot about forgiveness.  For some people this is a hard concept.  He suggested starting by controlling your anger and hatred, which are signs of weakness, by using your intelligence.   He explained that forgiveness is not a sign of weakness but rather one of strength and control.  Forgiveness leads to inner peace, which leads to happiness.

The Dalai Lama values education but believes the teaching of inner values is missing from current university systems.  To have a successful, happy life, with more friends and less enemies, he says to pay more attention to inner values, not money and power.  Look inward; a happy life does not come from material things, but from your mental state.

The talk concluded with, ‘Happiness depends on inner peace; inner peace depends on concern for your fellow man’s well being. Inner peace can be found by employing our intelligence.’

Although his accent was strong, I was able to understand the majority of what he said.  I found it a little difficult to sum up his beliefs in a short post.  I would suggest visiting his website at http://www.dalailama.com/ for more information about his teachings and beliefs. 

After his talk, he took some pre-screened questions from the community.  I will share two funny responses.

Q – Many young adults lack self-purpose in their lives.  What guidance can you give?

A – (Pause) I don’t know.  (Followed by laughter and lots of clapping.)  People have many dispositions.  Some people you meet and feel they don’t care about anything.  They are not using their human brain properly.  Alcohol damages your intelligence.  Spiritual qualities need to be cultivated.  You need to have the ability to be at ease with events.  Sometimes people are apathetic about everything.  I don’t know, maybe they need a psychotherapist.  (Another round of laughter and clapping.)

Q – What advice do you have for people with terminal illnesses to help them be peaceful?

A – If a person has faith, keep it constantly, especially at difficult moments.  God creates our lives so the ending of life also has a connection to God.  Three to four years ago I had a gall bladder problem.  The doctor examined it and knew it had to be removed but hesitated to tell me.  I told him that God created our body, so he created the limitation of each organ and this organ reached its end so it has to be removed.  (Round of laughter.)

The day was very memorable.  Much of what he said made a lot of sense.  It caused me to pause and reflect on my own actions and how I can be a better person.  If everyone stopped to do that, might the world be a better place?

Photos courtesy of Western Connecticut State University.

Richard Gere introducing the Dalai Lama

How to Survive a Roller Coaster Ride

A number of years ago, we took our boys to Six Flags New England with some cousins and friends.  Although we tried to stay together as a group, preferences to certain rides made us go in different directions.  Since many rides entailed a long wait in line, the strategy was to tackle the rides you wanted to get on the most, first. 

For our younger son, that was Superman, a 208-foot structure that boasted a speed of up to 76 mph.  Surprisingly to me, no one else wanted to ride it.  The line was long and since he was only 11, I volunteered to hang with him while he waited.  He said he didn’t care if he went on alone.

After over an hour, it was almost time for him to embark on his journey.  I felt guilty for letting him ride alone, and before I knew it, I was stepping on with him, pulling the U-shaped bar over me.  I had no idea how I was going to survive.  Bridges make me freeze, I hate heights, and the spinning and whipping of the ride don’t exactly give me a warm and fuzzy feeling.  Seeing his excitement made me keep my fears to myself, however.

What I did know about the ride was that it initially ascends a steep incline of 208 feet, and then drops 221 feet with a 70-degree angle of decent, accelerating to almost 80 mph.  And this is just the beginning.  I quickly and randomly decided I was going to keep my eyes closed the whole time.  Although it was hard to do, it ended up being my savior.  I jostled in my seat a bit, but had no concept of where I was, how high I was, or how far I was dropping.  When the train screeched to a halt at the station, I opened my eyes, looked at my son and said, “That wasn’t so bad.  Do you want to do it again?”

The anticipation of the height, drops, twists, and inversions are generally what I fear the most on roller coasters; in other words, all of it.  Sightless, there was no anticipation.  It’s like they say, ‘What you don't know can't hurt you.’  It worked for me.

When we joined the others, no one believed I went on that ride, not only once but twice.  I don’t even go on the mild spinning swings because I think they are too high and fast.  I felt empowered that day and rode more rides.  But to put it in perspective, that was the last day I did.  Although I found a strategy to endure, amusement park rides still aren’t my cup of tea.

Had my eyes been opened, I could have enjoyed the great view!

Meal Train

Sometimes people need help.  Whether it is a ride to a doctor appointment, help with yard work, or providing a meal, there are times in our lives when we could use some assistance.  Generally I have been on the giving end, but this year I was fortunate enough to have a group of friends to organize a food train for us after my surgery.  What is a food train you ask?

A few years ago, I was introduced to www.mealtrain.com.  This website was started by a man who tried to organize meals to support a neighborhood family after the birth of a new baby.  He worked with another friend who was the technical expert and an entrepreneur.  This is a free easy-to-use site that simplifies the giving and receiving of meals for someone in need, whom I will refer to as the recipient.  The site has some great features.  First of all, the organizer, generally a friend of the recipient, sets up the train with basic information.  This includes requested meal dates, food preferences including dietary restrictions, the recipient’s preferred meal times, and e-mail address.  The train request may be for meals every other day for two weeks or it may be every day for a month.  It can also be adjusted as time goes on to shorten, lengthen, or change the frequency of the dates.  Whatever the need, the organizer invites friends of the recipient to join the train and sign up for one or more meals.

Once invited, friends enter their name, email address, and what they plan to bring.  This assures that the recipient will receive a variety of meals and not be destined to eat baked ziti every day for the next month.  Reminders are automatically generated to the person providing the meal, which is nice, especially if you signed up to bring a meal three weeks in the future.  The recipient can also log on to the site to see what their next meal will be. 

Gone are the days of phone calls, leaving messages, and repeating basic information.  Gone are the days of trying to keep track of various messages, phone calls, and sending reminders. 

While the website explains their mission very well, I would like to share this from their site:  “The concept of a meal train is rooted in the idea that the meal is symbolic of the willingness to help a friend. The meal is the vehicle that allows the giving party the opportunity to show they care, they hope to reduce the burden, and they will be there for the receiving party in the future. This outreach is a true interpersonal connection and is one that helps foster inter-dependence, dialogue, and compassion.”

Thank you for simplifying the process for those who want to help individuals or families get the meals they enjoy on the days that are most helpful.  Bravi!